Feelings & Emotions

Many kids — particularly adolescents — are concerned about how they look and can feel self-conscious about their bodies. This can be especially true when they are going through puberty, and undergo dramatic physical changes and face new social pressures.

Unfortunately, for a number of kids and teens, that concern can lead to an obsession that can become an eating disorder. Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa cause dramatic weight fluctuation, interfere with normal daily life, and can permanently affect their health.

Parents can help prevent kids from developing an eating disorder by building their self-esteem and encouraging healthy attitudes about nutrition and appearance. If you become worried that your son or daughter might be developing an eating disorder, it’s important to step in and seek proper medical care.

About Eating Disorders

Generally, eating disorders involve self-critical, negative thoughts and feelings about body weight and food, and eating habits that disrupt normal body function and daily activities.

While more common among girls, eating disorders can affect boys, too. They’re so common in the U.S. that 1 or 2 out of every 100 kids will struggle with one, most commonly anorexia or bulimia. Unfortunately, many kids and teens successfully hide eating disorders from their families for months or even years.

People with anorexia have an extreme fear of weight gain and a distorted view of their body size and shape. As a result, they strive to maintain a very low body weight. Some restrict their food intake by dieting, fasting, or excessive exercise. People with anorexia try to eat as little as possible, and take in as few calories as they can, frequently obsessing over food intake.

Bulimia is characterized by habitual binge eating and purging. Someone with bulimia may undergo weight fluctuations, but rarely experiences the low weight associated with anorexia. Both disorders can involve compulsive exercise or other forms of purging food eaten, such as by self-induced vomiting or laxative use.

Although anorexia and bulimia are very similar, people with anorexia are usually very thin and underweight but those with bulimia may be a normal weight or even overweight.

Binge eating disorders, food phobia, and body image disorders are also becoming increasingly common in adolescence.

It’s important to remember that eating disorders can easily get out of hand and are difficult habits to break. Eating disorders are serious clinical problems that require professional treatment by doctors, therapists, and nutritionists.

Causes of Eating Disorders

The causes of eating disorders aren’t entirely clear. However, a combination of psychological, genetic, social, and family factors are thought to be involved.

For kids with eating disorders, there may be a difference between the way they see themselves and how they actually look. People with anorexia or bulimia often have an intense fear of gaining weight or being overweight and think they look bigger than they actually are. Also, certain sports and activities (like cheerleading, gymnastics, ballet, ice skating, and wrestling) that emphasize certain weight classes may put some kids or teens at greater risk for eating disorders.

There is also an increased incidence of other problems among kids and teens with eating disorders, like anxiety disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sometimes, problems at home can put kids at higher risk of problem eating behaviors.

Some research suggests that media images contribute to the rise in the incidence of eating disorders. Most celebrities in advertising, movies, TV, and sports programs are very thin, and this may lead girls to think that the ideal of beauty is extreme thinness. Boys, too, may try to emulate a media ideal by drastically restricting their eating and compulsively exercising to build muscle mass.

Concerns about eating disorders are also beginning at an alarmingly young age. Research shows that 42% of first- to third-grade girls want to be thinner, and 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat. In fact, most kids with eating disorders began their disordered eating between the ages of 11 and 13.

Many kids who develop an eating disorder have low self-esteem and their focus on weight can be an attempt to gain a sense of control at a time when their lives feel more out-of-control.

The Effects of Eating Disorders

While eating disorders can result from serious mental and behavioral health conditions, as well as trauma (for example, sexual abuse), they can lead to very serious physical health problems. Anorexia or bulimia may cause dehydration and other medical complications like heart problems or kidney failure. In extreme cases, eating disorders can lead to severe malnutrition and even death.

With anorexia, the body goes into starvation mode and the lack of nutrition can affect the body in many ways:

• a drop in blood pressure, pulse, and breathing rate
• hair loss and fingernail breakage
• loss of periods
• lanugo hair, a soft hair that can grow all over the skin
• lightheadedness and inability to concentrate
• anemia
• swollen joints
• brittle bones

With bulimia, frequent vomiting and lack of nutrients can cause:

• constant stomach pain
• damage to the stomach and kidneys
• tooth decay (from exposure to stomach acids)
• “chipmunk cheeks,” when the salivary glands permanently expand from throwing up so often
• loss of periods
• loss of the mineral potassium (this can contribute to heart problems and even death)

Warning Signs

It can be a challenge for parents to tell the difference between kids’ normal self-image concerns and warning signs of an eating disorder.

While many kids and teens — girls in particular — are self-conscious, compare themselves with others, and talk about dieting, this doesn’t necessarily mean they have eating disorders. Kids with eating disorders show serious problems with their eating and often have physical signs.

Someone with anorexia might:

• become very thin, frail, or emaciated
• be obsessed with eating, food, and weight control
• weigh herself or himself repeatedly
• count or portion food carefully
• only eat certain foods, avoid foods like dairy, meat, wheat, etc. (of course, lots of people who are allergic to a particular food or are vegetarians avoid certain foods)
• exercise excessively
• feel fat
• withdraw from social activities, especially meals and celebrations involving food
• be depressed, lethargic (lacking in energy), and feel cold a lot

Someone with bulimia might:

• fear weight gain
• be intensely unhappy with body size, shape, and weight
• make excuses to go to the bathroom immediately after meals
• only eat diet or low-fat foods (except during binges)
• regularly buy laxatives, diuretics, or enemas
• spend a lot of time working out or trying to work off calories
• withdraw from social activities, especially meals and celebrations involving food

If You Suspect an Eating Disorder

If you suspect your son or daughter has an eating disorder, it’s important to intervene and help your child get diagnosed and treated.

Kids with eating disorders often react defensively and angrily when confronted for the first time. Many have trouble admitting, even to themselves, that they have a problem. Sometimes getting a family member or friend who has been treated for an eating disorder can help encourage someone to get help. A fear of being fat or overweight is a core problem for anyone with an eating disorder. So it’s understandable that kids with eating disorders don’t want to go to a clinic and “get fat.”

Trying to help when someone doesn’t think he or she needs it can be hard. Still, getting the professional assistance needed, even if your child resists, is essential. Enlist help from friends and family that your son or daughter trusts and loves — people known to have your child’s best interests at heart.

Your child may be more receptive to a conversation if you focus on your own concerns and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, steer clear of statements like “you have an eating disorder” or “you’re too thin,” which may only prompt anger and denial. Instead, try “I’m worried that you have lost so much weight so quickly.” Cite specific things your child has said or done that have made you worry, and explain that you will be scheduling a doctor’s appointment to put your own mind at ease.

If you still encounter resistance, talk with your doctor or a mental health care professional about other approaches.

Treating Eating Disorders

Treatment focuses on helping kids cope with their disordered eating behaviors and establish new patterns of thinking about and approaching food. This can involve medical supervision, nutritional counseling, and therapy. The professionals will address a child’s perception about body size, shape, eating, and food.

Kids who are severely malnourished may require hospitalization and ongoing care after their medical condition stabilizes.

Generally, the earlier the intervention (ideally, before malnutrition or a continual binge-purge cycle starts), the shorter the treatment required.

Preventing Eating Disorders

You can play a powerful role in your child’s development of healthy attitudes about food and nutrition. Your own body image can influence your kids. If you constantly say “I’m fat,” complain about exercise, and practice “yo-yo” dieting, your kids might feel that a distorted body image is normal and acceptable.

At a time of great societal concern about obesity, it can be tricky for parents to talk with their kids about their eating habits. It’s best to emphasize health, rather than weight. Make sure your kids know you love them for who they are, not how they look.

It’s OK to appreciate attractiveness in celebrities — if your kids (and you!) feel fine about how they look, it won’t prompt them to try to change to be like someone else. Getting the message that they’re great as they are and that their bodies are healthy and strong is a wonderful gift that parents can give their kids.

Try to avoid power struggles regarding food — if your teen wants to “go vegetarian,” be supportive even if you’re an avid meat-eater. Teens frequently go through trendy eating periods, so try to set good limits, encourage healthy eating, and avoid fighting over food issues. Kids can catch on pretty quickly if their parents panic over one skipped meal. Try to gain perspective and talk to your kids about what’s going on if they don’t want to eat with the family.

Finally, take an active role in creating a healthy lifestyle for your family. Involve your kids in the preparation of healthy, nutritious meals. Let them know that it’s OK to eat when hungry and refuse food when they’re not. Also, make exercise a fun, rewarding, and regular family activity.

Developing your own healthy attitudes about food and exercise will set an excellent example for your kids.

To adults, childhood can seem like a carefree time. But kids still experience stress. Things like school and their social life can sometimes create pressures that can feel overwhelming for kids. As a parent, you can’t protect your kids from stress — but you can help them develop healthy ways to cope with stress and solve everyday problems.

Kids deal with stress in both healthy and unhealthy ways. And while they may not initiate a conversation about what’s bothering them, they do want their parents to reach out and help them cope with their troubles.

But it’s not always easy for parents to know what to do for a child who’s feeling stressed.

Here are a few ideas:

Notice out loud. Tell your child when you notice that something’s bothering him or her. If you can, name the feeling you think your child is experiencing. (“It seems like you’re still mad about what happened at the playground.”) This shouldn’t sound like an accusation (as in, “OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about that?”) or put a child on the spot. It’s just a casual observation that you’re interested in hearing more about your child’s concern. Be sympathetic and show you care and want to understand.

Listen to your child. Ask your child to tell you what’s wrong. Listen attentively and calmly — with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or say what you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let your child’s concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by asking questions like “And then what happened?” Take your time. And let your child take his or her time, too.

Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing. For example, you might say “That must have been upsetting,” “No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn’t let you in the game,” or “That must have seemed unfair to you.” Doing this shows that you understand what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel supported by you, and that is especially important in times of stress.

Put a label on it. Many younger kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by name. Putting feelings into words helps kids communicate and develop emotional awareness — the ability to recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can do so are less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions come out through behaviors rather than communicated with words.

Help your child think of things to do. If there’s a specific problem that’s causing stress, talk together about what to do. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can start the brainstorming if necessary, but don’t do all the work. Your child’s active participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, “How do you think this will work?”

Listen and move on. Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that’s needed to help a child’s frustrations begin to melt away. Afterward, try changing the subject and moving on to something more positive and relaxing. Help your child think of something to do to feel better. Don’t give the problem more attention than it deserves.

Limit stress where possible. If certain situations are causing stress, see if there are ways to change things. For instance, if too many after-school activities consistently cause homework stress, it might be necessary to limit activities to leave time and energy for homework.

Just be there. Kids don’t always feel like talking about what’s bothering them. Sometimes that’s OK. Let your kids know you’ll be there when they do feel like talking. Even when kids don’t want to talk, they usually don’t want parents to leave them alone. You can help your child feel better just by being there — keeping him or her company, spending time together. So if you notice that your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or having a bad day — but doesn’t feel like talking — initiate something you can do together. Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn’t it nice to know that your presence really counts?

Be patient. As a parent, it hurts to see your child unhappy or stressed. But try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping your child, slowly but surely, grow into a good problem-solver — a kid who knows how to roll with life’s ups and downs, put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and bounce back to try again.

Parents can’t solve every problem as kids go through life. But by teaching healthy coping strategies, you’ll prepare your kids to manage the stresses that come in the future.

Each day, 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a fifth-grader, who was threatening to beat him up if he didn’t pay.

Kayla, 13, thought things were going well at her new school, since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurse’s office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.

Unfortunately, the kind of bullying that Seth and Kayla experienced is widespread. In national surveys, most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school.

A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars. And in extreme situations, it can involve violent threats, property damage, or someone getting seriously hurt.

If your child is being bullied, you want to act to help stop it, if possible. In addition, there are ways to help your child cope with teasing, bullying, or mean gossip, and lessen its lasting impact. And even if bullying isn’t an issue right in your house right now, it’s important to discuss it so your kids will be prepared if it does happen.

Identifying Bullying

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use social media or electronic messaging to taunt others or hurt their feelings.

It’s important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids’ sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as suicides and school shootings.

Why Kids Bully

Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim — someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way — to feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes kids torment others because that’s the way they’ve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry and shouts or calls each other names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness — people are “voted off,” shunned, or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.

Signs of Bullying

Unless your child tells you about bullying — or has visible bruises or injuries — it can be difficult to figure out if it’s happening.

But there are some warning signs. Parents might notice kids acting differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping well, or doing the things they usually enjoy. When kids seem moodier or more easily upset than usual, or when they start avoiding certain situations (like taking the bus to school), it might be because of a bully.

If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter by asking, “What do you think of this?” or “What do you think that person should have done?” This might lead to questions like: “Have you ever seen this happen?” or “Have you ever experienced this?” You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family member had at that age.

Let your kids know that if they’re being bullied or harassed — or see it happening to someone else — it’s important to talk to someone about it, whether it’s you, another adult (a teacher, school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.

Helping Kids

If your child tells you about being bullied, listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it’s happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed, upset, angry, or reactive.

Sometimes kids feel like it’s their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn’t be happening. Sometimes they’re scared that if the bully finds out that they told, it will get worse. Others are worried that their parents won’t believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back when they’re scared to.

Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you about it. Remind your child that he or she isn’t alone — a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that it’s the bully who is behaving badly — not your child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.

Let someone at school (the principal, school nurse, or a counselor or teacher) know about the situation. They are often in a position to monitor and take steps to prevent further problems.

Because the term “bullying” might be used to describe such a wide range of situations, there’s no one-size-fits all approach. What is advisable in one situation may not be appropriate in another. Many factors — such as the age of the kids involved, the severity of the situation, and the specific type of bullying behaviors — will help determine the best course of action.

Take it seriously if you hear that the bullying will get worse if the bully finds out that your child told or if threats of physical harm are involved. Sometimes it’s useful to approach the bully’s parents. But in most cases, teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you’ve tried those methods and still want to speak to the bullying child’s parents, it’s best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.

Most schools have bullying policies and anti-bullying programs. In addition, many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your child’s safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.

Advice for Kids

Parents can help kids learn how to deal with bullying if it happens. For some parents, it may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all, you’re angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to “stand up for yourself” when you were young. Or you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully, and think that fighting back is the only way to put a bully in his or her place.

But it’s important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it’s best to walk away from the situation, hang out with others, and tell an adult.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better:

• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don’t go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you’re not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
• Hold the anger. It’s natural to get upset by the bully, but that’s what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it’s a useful skill for keeping off of a bully’s radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice “cool down” strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths, or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a “poker face” until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you’re showing that you don’t care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can’t fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.

Restoring Confidence

Dealing with bullying can erode a child’s confidence. To help restore it, encourage your kids to spend time with friends who have a positive influence. Participation in clubs, sports, or other enjoyable activities builds strength and friendships.

Provide a listening ear about difficult situations, but encourage your kids to also tell you about the good parts of their day, and listen equally attentively. Make sure they know you believe in them and that you’ll do what you can to address any bullying that occurs.

Kids don’t have to pay bills, cook dinners, or manage carpools. But — just like adults — they have their share of daily demands and things that don’t go smoothly. If frustrations and disappointments pile up, kids can get stressed or worried.

It’s natural for all kids to worry at times, and because of personality and temperament differences, some may worry more than others. Luckily, parents can help kids learn to manage stress and tackle everyday problems with ease. Kids who can do that develop a sense of confidence and optimism that will help them master life’s challenges, big and small.

What Do Kids Worry About?

What kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they’re in.

Kids and preteens typically worry about things like grades, tests, their changing bodies, fitting in with friends, that goal they missed at the soccer game, or whether they’ll make the team. They may feel stressed over social troubles like cliques, peer pressure, or whether they’ll be bullied, teased, or left out.

Because they’re beginning to feel more a part of the larger world around them, preteens also may worry about world events or issues they hear about on the news or at school. Things like terrorism, war, pollution, global warming, endangered animals, and natural disasters can become a source of worry.

Helping Kids Conquer Worry

To help your kids manage what’s worrying them:

Find out what’s on their minds: Be available and take an interest in what’s happening at school, on the team, and with your kids’ friends. Take casual opportunities to ask how it’s going. As you listen to stories of the day’s events, be sure to ask about what your kids think and feel about what happened.

If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what’s bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen attentively. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load.

Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child’s concerns shows they’re important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you’ve heard your child out. Say that you understand your child’s feelings and the problem.

Guide kids to solutions. You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal constructively with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it.

In most situations, resist the urge to jump in and fix a problem for your child — instead, think it through and come up with possible solutions together. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem independently.

Keep things in perspective. Without minimizing a child’s feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. Remind your kids that whatever happens, things will be OK.

So, for example, if your son is worried about whether he’ll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there’s a play every season — if he doesn’t get the part he wants this time, he’ll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that regardless of the outcome, you’re proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot.

Make a difference. Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming — that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by discussing these issues, offering accurate information, and correcting any misconceptions kids might have. Try to reassure kids by talking about what adults are doing to tackle the problem to keep them safe.

Be aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that’s beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too. But if you express your concern by taking a proactive approach to make a positive difference, your kids will feel more optimistic and empowered to do the same.

So look for things you can do with your kids to help all of you feel like you’re making a positive difference. You can’t stop a war, for example, but your family can contribute to an organization that works for peace or helps kids in war-torn countries. Or your family might perform community service to give your kids the experience of volunteering.

Offer reassurance and comfort. Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent’s reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support.

Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it’s time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that’s more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.

Highlight the positive. Ask your kids what they enjoyed about their day, and listen attentively when they tell you about what goes great for them or what they had fun doing. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen. Let them tell you what they think and feel about their successes, achievements, and positive experiences — and what they did to help things turn out so well.

Schedules are busy, but make sure there’s time for your kids to do little things they feel good doing. Daily doses of positive emotions and experiences — like enjoyment, gratitude, love, amusement, relaxation, fun, and interest — offset stress and help kids do well.

Be a good role model. The most powerful lessons we teach kids are the ones we demonstrate. Your response to your own worries, stress, and frustrations can go a long way toward teaching your kids how to deal with everyday challenges. If you’re rattled or angry when dealing with a to-do list that’s too long, your kids will learn that as the appropriate response to stress.

Instead, look on the bright side and voice optimistic thoughts about your own situations at least as often as you talk about what bothers or upsets you. Set a good example with your reactions to problems and setbacks. Responding with optimism and confidence teaches kids that problems are temporary and tomorrow’s another day. Bouncing back with a can-do attitude will help your kids do the same.

When a loved one dies, children feel and show their grief in different ways. How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.

Here are some things parents can do to help a child who has lost a loved one:

When talking about death, use simple, clear words. To break the news that someone has died, approach your child in a caring way. Use words that are simple and direct. For example, “I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma died today.” Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words.

Listen and comfort. Every child reacts differently to learning that a loved one has died. Some kids cry. Some ask questions. Others seem not to react at all. That’s OK. Stay with your child to offer hugs or reassurance. Answer your child’s questions or just be together for a few minutes.

Put emotions into words. Encourage kids to say what they’re thinking and feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the loss. Talk about your own feelings: It helps kids be aware of and feel comfortable with theirs. Say things like, “I know you’re feeling very sad. I’m sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us, too.”

Tell your child what to expect. If the death of a loved one means changes in your child’s life, head off any worries or fears by explaining what will happen. For example, “Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to.” Or, “I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I’ll talk to you every day, and I’ll be back on Sunday.”

Talk about funerals and rituals. Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell your child ahead of time what will happen. For example, “Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma’s life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or, ‘My condolences.’ Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, ‘Thank you,’ or, ‘Thanks for coming.’ You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want.”

You might need to explain burial or cremation. For example, “After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person’s body is in a casket (or coffin) that gets buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry.” Share your family’s beliefs about what happens to a person’s soul or spirit after death.

Explain what happens after the service as a way to show that people will feel better. For example, “We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Focusing on the happy memories about Grandma and on the good feeling of being together helps people start to feel better.”

Give your child a role. Having a small, active role can help kids master an unfamiliar and emotional situation such as a funeral or memorial service. For example, you might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Let kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

Help your child remember the person. In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down favorite stories of their loved one. Don’t avoid mentioning the person who died. Recalling and sharing happy memories helps heal grief and activate positive feelings.

Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance. Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may temporarily have trouble concentrating or sleeping, or have fears or worries. Support groups and counseling can help kids who need more support.

Help your child feel better. Provide the comfort your child needs, but don’t dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together.

Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to have ongoing conversations to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting about the loved one. It means remembering the person with love, and letting loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life.

Thousands of kids experience the stress of divorce each year. How they react depends on their age, personality, and the circumstances of the separation and divorce process.

Every divorce will affect the kids involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But kids also can come out of it better able to cope with stress, and many become more flexible, tolerant young adults.

The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:

• Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
• Minimize the disruptions to kids’ daily routines.
• Confine negativity and blame to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
• Keep each parent involved in the kids’ lives.

Adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. But don’t seek support from your kids, even if they seem to want you to.

Breaking the News

As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents there for this conversation. It’s important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you’re going to manage telling your kids so you don’t become upset or angry during the talk.

The discussion should fit the child’s age, maturity, and temperament. But it should always include this message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not the child’s fault. Most kids will feel they’re to blame even after parents have said that they’re not. So it’s vital for parents to keep giving this reassurance.

Tell your kids that sometimes adults change the way they love each other or can’t agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that kids and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Parents and kids often don’t agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give kids enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don’t need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It’s enough for them to understand what will change in their daily routine — and, just as important, what will not.

With younger kids, it’s best to keep it simple. You might say something like: “Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don’t fight so much, but we both love you very much.”

Older kids and teens may be more in tune with what parents have been going through, and might have more questions based on what they’ve overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.

Handling Kids’ Reactions

Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings, and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: “I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?” or “We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart.”

Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that’s OK, too, and that you can talk when they’re ready. Some kids try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your kids express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they’ll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change.

Be prepared to answer these and other questions:

• Who will I live with?
• Where will I go to school?
• Will I move?
• Where will each parent live?
• Where will we spend holidays?
• Will I still get to see my friends?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?
• Can I still do my favorite activities?

Being honest is not always easy when you don’t have all the answers or when kids are feeling scared or guilty about what’s going on. But telling them what they need to know at that moment is always the right thing to do.

Helping Kids Cope

Many kids — and parents — grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and kids especially miss the presence of both parents and the family life they had. That’s why it’s common and very natural for some kids to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together — even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them.

Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your kids will come to accept the new situation. So reassure them that it’s OK to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the finality of your decisions.

Here are some ways to help kids cope with the upset of a divorce:

• Encourage honesty. Kids need to know that their feelings are important to their parents and that they’ll be taken seriously.
• Help them put their feelings into words. Kids’ behavior can often clue you in to their feelings of sadness or anger. You might say: “It seems as if you’re feeling sad right now. Do you know what’s making you feel so sad?” Be a good listener, even if it’s difficult for you to hear what they have to say.
• Legitimize their feelings. Saying “I know you feel sad now” or “I know it feels lonely without dad here” lets kids know that their feelings are valid. It’s important to encourage kids to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better. Let kids know it’s also OK to feel happy or relieved or excited about the future.
• Offer support. Ask, “What do you think will help you feel better?” They might not be able to name something, but you can suggest a few ideas — maybe just to sit together, take a walk, or hold a favorite stuffed animal. Younger kids might especially appreciate an offer to call daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to mommy when she comes at the end of the day.
• Keep yourself healthy. For adults, separation and divorce is highly stressful. That pressure may be amplified by custody, property, and financial issues, which can bring out the worst in people.

  Finding ways to manage your own stress is essential for you and your entire family. Keeping yourself as physically and emotionally healthy as possible can help combat the effects of stress, and by making sure you’re taking care of your own needs, you can ensure that you’ll be in the best possible shape to take care of your kids.

• Keep the details in check. Take care to ensure privacy when discussing the details of the divorce with friends, family, or your lawyer. Try to keep your interactions with your ex as civil as possible, especially when you’re interacting in front of the kids.

  Take the high road — don’t resort to blaming or name-calling within earshot of your kids, no matter what the circumstances of the separation. This is especially important in an “at fault” divorce where there have been especially hurtful events, like infidelity. Take care to keep letters, e-mails, and text messages in a secure location as kids will be naturally curious if there is a high-conflict situation going on at home.

• Get help. This is not the time to go it alone. Find a support group, talk to others who have gone through this, use online resources, or ask your doctor or religious leaders to refer you to other resources. Getting help yourself sets a good example for your kids on how to make a healthy adjustment to this major change.

  Help from a counselor, therapist, or friend will also maintain healthy boundaries with your kids. It’s very important not to lean on your kids for support. Older kids and those who are eager to please may try to make you feel better by offering a shoulder to cry on. No matter how tempting that is, it’s best not to let them be the provider of your emotional support. Let your kids know how touched you are by their caring nature and kindness, but do your venting to a friend or therapist.

The Importance of Consistency

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Especially during a divorce, kids will benefit from one-on-one time with each parent. No matter how inconvenient, try to accommodate your ex-partner as you figure out visitation schedules.

It’s natural that you’ll be concerned about how a child is coping with this change. The best thing that you can do is trust your instincts and rely on what you know about your kids. Do they seem to be acting differently than usual? Is a child doing things like regressing to younger behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting? Do emotions seem to be getting in the way of everyday routines, like school and social life?

Behavioral changes are important to watch out for — any new or changing signs of moodiness; sadness; anxiety; school problems; or difficulties with friends, appetite, and sleep can be signs of a problem.

Older kids and teens may be vulnerable to risky behaviors such as alcohol and drug use, skipping school, and defiant acts. Regardless of whether such troubles are related to the divorce, they are serious problems that affect a teen’s well-being and indicate the need for outside help.

Fighting in Front of the Kids

Although the occasional argument between parents is expected in any family, living in a battleground of continual hostility and unresolved conflict can place a heavy burden on a child. Screaming, fighting, arguing, or violence can make kids feel worried and afraid.

Parents in open conflict set a bad example for their kids, who are still learning how to form their own relationships. Kids whose parents express anger and hostility are much more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems that continue past childhood.

Talking with a mediator or divorce counselor can help couples air their grievances and hurt to each other in a way that doesn’t harm their children. Though it may be difficult, working together in this way will spare kids the hurt caused by continued bitterness and anger.

Adjusting to a New Living Situation

Because divorce can be such a big change, adjustments in living arrangements should be handled gradually.

Several types of living situations should be considered:

• one parent may have sole custody
• joint custody in which both legal and physical custody are shared
• joint custody where one parent has “tie-breaking” authority in certain medical or educational settings

Which one is right for your kids? That’s a tough question and often the one that couples spend most time disagreeing on. Although some kids can thrive spending half their time with each parent, others seem to need the stability of having one “home” and visiting with the other parent. Some parents choose to both remain in the same home — but this only works in the rarest of circumstances and in general should be avoided.

Whatever arrangement you choose, your child’s needs should come first. Avoid getting involved in a tug of war as a way to “win.” When deciding how to handle holidays, birthdays, and vacations, stay focused on what’s best for the kids. It’s important for parents to resolve these issues themselves and not ask the kids to choose.

During the preteen years, when kids become more involved with activities apart from their parents, they may need different schedules to accommodate their changing priorities. Ideally, kids benefit most from consistent support from both parents, but they may resist equal time-sharing if it interrupts school or their social lives. Be prepared for their thoughts on time-sharing, and try to be flexible.

Your child may refuse to share time with you and your spouse equally and may try to take sides. If this happens, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Maintain the visitation schedule and emphasize the importance of the involvement of both parents.

Kids sometimes propose spending an entire summer, semester, or school year with the noncustodial parent. But this may not mean that they want to move. Listen to and explore these options if they’re brought up. This kind of arrangement can work well in “friendly” divorces, but is not typical of higher-conflict situations.

Parenting Under Pressure

As much as possible, both parents should work to keep routines and discipline the same in both households. Similar expectations about bedtimes, rules, and homework will reduce anxiety, especially in younger children.

Even though you can’t enforce the rules in your ex-partner’s home, stick to them in yours. Relaxing limits, especially during a time of change, tends to make kids insecure and less likely to recognize your parental authority later. And buying things to replace love or letting kids act out is not in their best interests, and you could struggle to reel them back in once the dust settles. Instead, you can lavish affection on them — kids don’t get spoiled by too many hugs or comforting words.

Divorce can be a major crisis for a family. However, if you and your former spouse can work together and communicate civilly for the benefit of your children, the original family unit can continue to be a source of strength, even if stepfamilies enter the picture.

So remember to:

• Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you’re able to adjust, your kids will be more likely to do so, too.
• Be patient with yourself and with your child. Emotional concerns, loss, and hurt following divorce take time to heal and this often happens in phases.
• Recognize the signs of stress. Consult your kids’ teachers, doctor, or a child therapist for guidance on how to handle specific problems you’re concerned about.

Changes of any kind are hard — know that you and your kids can and will adjust to this one. Finding your inner strength and getting help to learn new coping skills are hard work, but can make a big difference to helping your family get through this difficult time.

Can spirituality promote a healthier physical life for your family? Recent medical studies indicate that spiritual people are less prone to self-destructive behaviors (suicide, smoking, and drug and alcohol abuse, for example), and have less stress and a greater total life satisfaction.

Much of the research linking spiritual and physical health has involved elderly patients; however, the data offer a glimpse into a possible tie between a spiritual life and good health for people of all ages.

Although spirituality has been shown to reduce depression, improve blood pressure, and boost the immune system, religious beliefs should not interfere with the medical care kids receive.

So what exactly is spirituality and how can it enhance your family’s health?

Spirituality and Physical Health

Doctors and scientists once avoided the study of spirituality in connection to medicine, but more recent findings have made some take a second look. Studies show that religion and faith can help to promote good health and fight disease by:

• offering additional social supports, such as religious outreach groups
• improving coping skills through prayer and a philosophy that all things have a purpose

Although research on kids hasn’t been done, many studies focusing on adults point to the positive effects of spirituality on medical outcome:

• In a 7-year study of senior citizens, religious involvement was associated with less physical disability and less depression. Death rates were lower than expected before an important religious holiday, which suggested to researchers that faith might have postponed death in these cases.
• Elderly people who regularly attended religious services had healthier immune systems than those who didn’t. They were also more likely to have consistently lower blood pressure.
• Patients undergoing open-heart surgery who received strength and comfort from their religion were three times more likely to survive than those who had no religious ties.

Spirituality and Mental Health

Religious and spiritual beliefs are an important part of how many people deal with life’s joys and hardships. Faith can give people a sense of purpose and guidelines for living.

When families face tough situations, including health problems, their religious beliefs and practices can help them fight feelings of helplessness, restore meaning and order to life situations, and help them regain a sense of control. For some families, spirituality can be a powerful and important source of strength.

Medical studies have confirmed that spirituality can have a profound effect on mental states. In a study of men who were hospitalized, nearly half rated religion as helpful in coping with their illness. A second study showed that the more religious patients were, the more quickly they recovered from some disorders. A third study revealed that high levels of hope and optimism, key factors in fighting depression, were found among those who strictly practiced their religion.

Can Spiritual Beliefs Enhance Parenting?

Attending organized religious services may help some families connect with their spiritual values, but it’s not the only way. Less traditional paths also can help kids and parents find spiritual meaning.

To foster spirituality within your own family, you may want to examine your own values. Ask yourself: What is important to me? How well do my daily activities mirror my values? Do I neglect issues that matter to me because I’m busy spending time on things that matter less?

Here are other suggestions to start your family’s spiritual journey:

• Explore your roots. In examining your shared past, you and your kids may connect with values of earlier times and places, and gain a sense of your extended family’s history and values.
• Examine your involvement in the community. If you’re already involved in a group, maybe you will want to take on a larger role — first for you, then as a role model for your kids. If you haven’t joined a community group, consider investigating those in your area.
• Recall the feelings you had at the birth or adoption of your child. Try to get back to that moment in your mind, remembering the hopes and dreams you had. It can be the start of a search for similar or related feelings in your everyday life.
• Share some silence with your kids. Take a few minutes for silent meditation alone or together. Think about parenthood, your life as an individual, and your place in the larger scheme of things. Spend time discussing these thoughts with your kids and listen to their ideas on what spirituality means.
• Take a nature walk. Nature has long been an inspiration and spiritual guide. A walk will relax you and allow you to contemplate the wonders of the world around you.
• Read books that express spiritual ideas with your kids and share your thoughts about what you’re reading.

This search can be conducted on your own or as part of a larger group — a religious community, friends, or your own family. Making a spiritual journey might help you and your family live a healthier life, both emotionally and physically.

My husband is returning from active duty. What kinds of transition challenges should I expect?
– Mariah

Though some returning members of the armed forces can slip easily back into the rhythm of home life, most families do find that there is a period of adjustment. And that’s understandable. Things changed while your spouse was away: the kids got older, you may be more self-reliant, and your family probably had to adopt some new routines to lessen the burden of your spouse’s absence. It’s no wonder that many returning parents often have a hard time figuring out their place in this new order.

Returning spouses also might need time to process any challenging or overwhelming experiences they had while serving. It might be hard to talk about these with family members — even when they know you care and want to understand. Some may seek extra support from a professional as they work through experiences and readjust to life at home. You may need to remind your spouse that reaching out in this way is an act of strength and courage — not a sign of weakness.

But just because you have a transition to work through doesn’t mean you can’t get back to where you were before, or someplace even better. Be patient as you get to know each other again and give the whole family plenty of low-stress opportunities to ease back into things. As always, good communication is key to finding a new sense of balance.

While my husband is deployed, how can I help my children cope?
– Jane

No two children — even within the same family — will react to a parent’s deployment in exactly the same way. There are a few things, though, that all children seem to benefit from when their world suddenly changes.

The first is a sense of stability. In the face of big changes, even small things that stay the same — like a simple bedtime or mealtime routine — can be extremely reassuring.

The second is an acknowledgment of their feelings — both the good and the bad. When a parent leaves, kids may experience a whole range of emotions, from pride to fear to anger. Help yours express their strongest feelings. Drawing pictures, writing letters, or keeping a journal are all great ways to do this.

Keep in mind that kids who feel angry usually are upset by the situation and those perceived as causing it, even though they might express their anger toward others.

Third, kids need to maintain a bond with the parent who’s away. Whether it’s writing letters, looking at pictures and videos, saying a special prayer, counting down days on a calendar, finding where mommy or daddy is on a map, or making a scrapbook, creative ways to stay connected are important.

And finally, children need the remaining parent to stay emotionally healthy. It’s easy to feel exhausted and overwhelmed when you’re handling everything on your own. Offset those negative feelings by taking good care of yourself and getting extra support from relatives, friends, and other military families who’ve been in your shoes — particularly if you’re finding it hard to give your kids the positive attention they need.

I have a newborn who I love more than life itself! My daughter is the joy of my life. Still, I feel sad sometimes, and I’m not sure why. What’s wrong with me?
– Lyda

The transition from pregnancy to parenthood is a major life adjustment — both physically and emotionally. During your baby’s first few days of life, it’s normal to feel emotional highs and lows, something commonly referred to as the “baby blues.”

With the baby blues, you might feel happy one minute and tearful or overwhelmed the next. You might find yourself feeling angry, sad, irritable, or discouraged. Feeling this way doesn’t mean that you’re a “bad” mother or that you don’t love your baby.

These mood swings are believed to be caused by hormone changes that happen in a woman’s body after she gives birth. Levels of estrogen and progesterone needed during pregnancy suddenly drop, causing shifts in mood. Other factors — like fatigue and sleep deprivation, for example — also can contribute to these feelings.

Fortunately, the baby blues usually only last for a few days or weeks, and usually stop on their own without medical treatment.

If you have a case of the baby blues, try to take care of yourself as much as possible. Eat a healthy diet and get as much rest as you can, especially since exhaustion and sleep deprivation can reinforce and fuel feelings of sadness.

Here are some other things that can help you feel better:

• Accept help, especially in the first days and weeks after birth.
• Let family and friends help with errands, food shopping, household chores, or childcare.
• Let someone prepare a meal or watch your baby while you relax with a shower, bath, or a nap.
• Get plenty of rest and eat nutritious foods.
• Talk to loved ones or other new mothers who can help you feel supported and remind you that you’re not alone.

If the baby blues last longer than a week or two, or if symptoms become worse, talk to your doctor to discuss whether postpartum depression may be the cause of your emotional lows.